11.15.2007
About that elephant in the room
 |
Just when Hollywood had reached the utmost level of absurdity, a near-talentless fist punched through the glass ceiling.
Paris Hilton has decided to be a poster child for the fight against elephants in India that drink and stampede.
According to a recent article by the Associated Press, the Hollywood starlet declared, “The elephants get drunk all the time. It is becoming really dangerous. We need to stop making alcohol available to them.”
This all happened after six of these giant mammals in a fit of thirst broke into a farm and drank too much homemade rice beer.
The intoxicated beasts then flew into a rampage, somehow unearthing an electricity pole and were electrocuted to death.
As funny as it may sound to people without compassion, the massacre struck a chord with Paris.
Apparently this wasn’t the first time elephants have drank too much. Paris said four more died the same way a few years ago.
If you’re thinking elephants’ drinking problems may seem trivial compared to other causes, you probably have a brain in your head.
To be fair, Paris was going to go to Rwanda to do some volunteering, or perhaps shoot some “Simple Life” skit in which the blonde makes a mockery of helping people. Who knows.
That charity trip was postponed. She probably figured out Rwanda is a country in Africa (“That’s hot”), not a shop in West Beverly Hills, so she packed up her 3-pound dog and ran screaming from the airport.
So now that she won’t be trekking through a nation with real problems, she decided to do the next best thing: save drunken elephants.
Nevermind the millions of children without health care here in the U.S.; forget about the thousands of women plagued by domestic violence every year; brush aside the men and women in Iraq, Afghanistan and elsewhere risking their lives every day — she’s got elephants to save.
While animals overseas drinking themselves into an oblivion has probably led some PETA fanatics to do the same, it seems Ms. Hilton has grossly overlooked a more pressing issue concerning out-of-control mammalia, namely Britney, Lindsay and any other beautiful, rich girl who has abused alcohol, which they, too, would probably break into a farmer’s back yard to steal.
Paris has watched from her tower on the red carpet as her partners-in-acting-a-fool have flashed their body parts and been photographed in more-than-compromising positions.
But screw human life right here in America, right? Let’s worry about that handful of elephants that partied too hard.
.(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)