06.12.2008
Dating a sports nut: kill me now or put up with it?
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fa•nat•ic: n. A person marked or motivated by an extreme, unreasoning enthusiasm, as for a cause; See also: my husband.
I knew what I was getting into before our relationship ever started. A part of his heart will always be devoted to the thing he has worshipped since he was in diapers: sports.
So for all of you out there in a similar dilemma, I would like to share a few hints for being a sports fanatic’s “other.”
1. Choose your battles wisely
The NBA finals may last what seems to be a year, but when it comes to game seven of the conference finals, you have to know that it’s not a good time to argue over wanting to watch the “Bridezillas” marathon.
At the same time, if your sports fanatic insists on canceling your NetFlix queue because he feels all necessary entertainment can be found on ESPN, then it may be time to start a conversation.
2. Be wary of fanatics in groups
It is probable that your sports fanatic associates with other sports fanatics. One may be harmless, but a group is something to be feared.
Don’t play dumb around a sports fanatic’s friends. You didn’t like it when your mom brought your lunch into middle school while wearing her curlers and slippers, and he won’t like it when he has to be attached to someone who is clearly embarrassing him.
On the other hand, don’t pretend to be an expert. If they are true sports fanatics they will sniff out a bluff and call you on it.
When you absolutely must be subjected to fanatics in groups, have an escape plan.
3. Don’t play fantasy anything
It will be tempting. You’ve been subjected to hours of sports and you want to show him you can play, too.
Absolutely do not join any fantasy league.
During the 2004 NCAA basketball tournament, I entered a fantasy league with a group of self-proclaimed fanatics. I chose winners based on what tickled my fancy: funny names, recognition or hatred of students attending the school.
I won.
I beat the fanatics that had studied months of statistics, fanatics that had debated the intangibles and fanatics that had devoted their lives to sports.
It was a lonely winner’s circle, and after seeing the look of utter defeat on their faces I had learned my lesson.
4. Act interested
If he is willing to listen to your gossip about the girl he’s never met and the guy she’s hooking up with, then you can at least pretend to enjoy hearing about Spygate. It is easy to glaze over and tune out, but just remember that glazed, tuned out look on his face as you detail the latest “Bachelorette” drama.
Don’t listen too closely though – sports fans have the tendency to recall ridiculous statistics.
“Jake Delhomme completed 15 of 20 passes since he bought the new red underwear with blue stripes. With his previous drawers, he was lagging at 10 for 20.”
What? My point exactly.
You may be bored to tears, and you may want to hang yourself from the Panthers’ goal post. But if you ignore his sports fanaticism, then pout because he didn’t get excited about “Sex and the City,” you need to find a new teammate.
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If I could retain any type of knowledge the way sports nuts retain endless data, I think I’d want to learn everything there is to know about physics.
That way, I’d know exactly how much force I’d have to use in order to punt annoying, rambling fanatics the length of a football field.
Sports are enjoyable unless you’re a Cincinnati Anything fan like I am, and then sports are basically a weekly to bi-weekly kick in the teeth.
That’s not to say I don’t follow sports. After a few beers and some wings, I’ll brag about past Bengals’ achievements — most notably, the Icky Shuffle and most arrests in a single season.
What I won’t do is recite total yards for every receiver in the game and talk about how many rings a certain coach has.
The logical explanation is this: In the grand scheme of things, my life is not made any better by knowing season-by-season records of some Major League Baseball team. This explains why I know nothing about cars, fashion and why I boycotted home economics in high school.
Now, I know a good amount about sharks. The ocean is my Wrigley Field, so to speak. But you would never see me approach someone in a bar to preach to them about how sharks are widely misunderstood and that the great white isn’t actually the deadliest shark in the ocean (that’s the bull shark).
So I’m not sure why the boyfriend insists upon boring me with whether or not Bill Belichick is misunderstood or the methodology behind his fantasy football picks.
Within the first month of dating, I had memorized the starting line-up for the Cleveland Cavaliers and the colleges they went to. I had to — I got quizzed often and in public.
“Welcome to Ciro’s. My name is Steve and I’ll be your server tonight.”
“Steve, I’ll take the bruschetta and —”
“Quick! Who starts at point guard and what state did he go to college in?”
“Dude, I’m trying to order my din—”
“You’ve got 10 seconds!”
People ask me why we aren’t married yet ...
During last year’s college football season, he and four guys at the bar were rambling on about the undefeated teams left during Week Whatever It Was.
I kept to myself, enjoying my 12-oz. ribeye (that’s right) and baked potato.
After 10 minutes of them trying to recall the sixth team without a loss, I finally said, “It’s Arizona State. Now can it, you’re ruining my steak.”
They were speechless.
It wasn’t exactly an “I just won Jeopardy!” moment, but I was kind of glowing.
I had managed to put a pause in a conversation that was boring me to tears. I hung on to those few seconds — my reprieve from useless chatter — through the rest of the season.
Now, as I’m realizing the rest of my life will likely be cluttered with touchdown talk and homerun hoopla, I’m wondering what will get me through the next 50 or so years.
Jager trumps earplugs.
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