02.24.2008
Give generously and we can lick the devil toad
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This undated handout artist rendering provided by Dan Klores Communications shows a Beelzebufo ampinga facing off against the largest known living Malagasy frog, Mantydactylus ampinga. A full -length pencil provide size perspective. A frog the size of a bowling ball, with heavy armor and teeth, lived among dinosaurs millions of years ago - intimidating enough that scientists who unearthed its fossils dubbed the beast Beelzebufo, or Devil Toad. AP illustration. |
While we Americans have been busy shooting down our own spy satellites and trying to figure out what a superdelegate is, we have turned a blind eye to what is possibly the most horrific threat to this great nation: Devil toads.
Don’t worry. I’m here to raise awareness.
According to a story from the Associated Press, the source I turn to for news about ancient murderous amphibians, scientists recently discovered the 70-million-year-old remains of a 10-pound, heavily armored frog with a mouth full of teeth and a powerful, bone-crunching jaw. The creature quite possibly stalked and devoured baby dinosaurs, leading scientists to dub it Beezlebufo - Greek for “devil toad.”
Several of the critters reportedly chased a young John McCain around the tar pits during the late Cretaceous period.
The fossil find was announced in the most recent edition of the journal Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences. Wondering if I had missed similar blockbuster discoveries - satanic snails, evil egrets, possessed possums, etc. - I clicked on the journal’s Web site. There I found an article - no kidding—titled “Assessment of glycosaminoglycan concentration in vivo by chemical exchange-dependent saturation transfer,” reminding me why most of the “journals” I read have a much higher ratio of semi-clad women to scientific jargon.
Scientists insist the devil toad has been extinct for millions of years, but Saturday nights spent devouring the Sci-Fi Channel’s mutant-killer-creature flicks ( I don’t get out much) lead me to believe these frightening frogs will re-emerge and wreak havoc due to (pick one) a. global warming; b. cloning; c. an ancient curse; or d. Hillary Clinton’s universal health-care plan.
They’re out there, I bet, lurking in some distant holler not even my kinfolk and I dare to enter, waiting for a chance to run amuck.
So, in an effort to raise bucket-loads of money by playing on unfounded fears and paranoia, I decided to establish the Patriotic American Parents Council of Citizens Concerned with the Re-Emergence of the Devil Toad, and installed myself as the highly paid chairman of the board and official spokesmodel.
Our first act here at the PAPCCCRDT was to come up with the following devil toad safety tips, which we hope to mass produce in pamphlet form and distribute in schools and churches and over convenience store countertops—once donations start rolling in and we’ve paid off the big-screen TV for the PAPCCCRDT rec room:
WARNING. The best thing you can do to protect yourself and your loved ones from the insidious devil toad is to give generously, perhaps half your gross annual salary, to the Patriotic American Parents Council of Citizens Concerned with the Re-Emergence of the Devil Toad, the oldest and most respected devil toad awareness group currently soliciting funds.
Next, stay away from areas where devil toads tend to congregate. These include dark alleys, gentleman’s clubs, college campuses, back seats of teenagers’ cars and places of worship other than the places where we at the PAPCCCRDT worship.
If you do encounter a devil toad, do not panic. Turn and walk slowly in the opposite direction. If the devil toad follows, walk faster. If the devil toad continues its pursuit, run like hell. I mean it. Get out of there. These things ate baby dinosaurs, for gosh sakes. You think getting hit on the head by a chunk of falling spy satellite is bad? Wait until you’re flopping around in the bone-crunching jaws of the devil toad, his sandpaper-like tongue lapping the very life out of you. I don’t care if you are a superdelegate, he will gnaw your femur like an Applebee’s riblet.
And what will be your last words before swimming in the belly of the beast known as devil toad?
“I should have given more money to the PAPCCCRDT!”
We take cash, check and most major credit cards.