05.08.2008
I want my news back
The seemingly endless Democratic presidential nomination drags on and on, grinding its way from one state to the next with countless annoying robocalls and bucket-loads of empty speechifying, even though experts tell us the only way Hillary Clinton can win is to clone her own superduper delegates in a secret lab or produce incriminating photos of Barack Obama kissing the Rev. Jeremiah Wright full on the mouth while simultaneously setting fire to an American flag.
Those things probably aren’t going to happen, but on we go to West Virginia where Hillary can down a swig of moonshine to show she’s a good ol’ gal and Barack can visit a backwoods general store to patiently explain to folks there what a person of color is. In the meantime, John McCain just gets creakier.
News I enjoy - high-speed car chases, escaped monkeys on a rampage, exploding porta-potties - takes a backseat to Wolf Blitzer chatting with a disturbingly reptilian James Carville for the 857th time or a front-page story on how college-educated single Samoan-born women over 65 with a median income of $65,786 are likely to vote in the upcoming primary.
I want my news back.
The incessant political coverage has even pushed to the backburner what I consider the most important story in recent memory: After decades of trial and error, science has finally produced its crowning achievement, the robot squirrel.
Animal behavior researchers at Hampshire College in Massachusetts are using Rocky the robot squirrel to help “decode squirrels’ communication techniques, social cues and survival instincts,” according a story from The Associated Press, the source I turn to for news on groundbreaking developments in the field of mechanical rodents.
Here’s how it works: Rocky infiltrates a group of live squirrels, frolics squirrel-like and helps gather data on squirrel behavior, data that will be stored in a dusty filing cabinet until the future squirrel rebellion.
It’s not without risk, though. If they discover a traitor in their midst, the live squirrels will take Rocky captive and water board him until he gives up the whereabouts of his human superiors. Then all hell will break loose, including loss of grant funding and tenure.
Did the development of robot squirrels lead cable news or make the front page of the daily paper? No, because we need to know how college-educated single Samoan-born women over 65 with a median income of $65,786 are likely to vote in the upcoming primary.
If Hillary and Barack are going to dominate news coverage, let’s have them talk about something important, something we all care about.
Robot squirrels, for instance.
Wolf Blitzer: Our thanks to CNN contributor James Carville, the most disturbingly reptilian man on a network other than FOX News. We turn now, as we did eight seconds ago, to the Democratic primary. Here are Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama, speaking earlier about robot squirrels.
Clinton: I was in a small, blue-collar mechanical rodent research facility just the other day and a squirrel, Rocky was his name, told me he can no longer afford the oil needed to lubricate his spring-loaded tail. When a hard-working, blue-collar robot squirrel cannot afford to lubricate his spring-loaded tail, something is wrong in our country.
Obama: Sen. Clinton and I agree that robot squirrels are hurting. But Sen. Clinton voted for legislation that allowed microprocessors, the same microprocessors that permit robot squirrels to frolic and help gather data, to move from manufacturing plants here in the United States to facilities in China and Korea. And that’s wrong.”
Wolf Blitzer: That’s all the time we have for this segment. Stay with us for an exclusive interview with the presumptive Republican nominee John McCain, who says he can remember when robot squirrels were made of twine and balsa wood.
Once again, I want my news back.