11.01.2007
Now that’s pitiful
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Used to be the saddest song ever sung was “Don’t Take the Girl” by Tim McGraw.
The heart-breaking tale of Johnny and the “same sweet girl” traveling through life together ends with Johnny on his knees, begging God to take him instead of his wife (the “same sweet girl”), who has suffered complications during the birth of their baby.
That song makes anyone cry. Oh, and that song about the Christmas shoes for that kid’s mother. You know, the one where he doesn’t have the money to buy her shoes, but he wants to get them for her because he wants her to look beautiful when she meets Jesus?
If you haven’t heard it yet, turn on the radio during a drive in December. You’ll almost wreck the car because your vision will be so blurred by mind-numbing sadness.
So those two songs used to be the all-time tearjerkers that would rust the Tin Man.
A recent drive down Interstate 77 with the radio on proved otherwise.
It’s a song called “Online” by Brad Paisley.
It’s about a boy — or worse, a grown man — who is, for lack of better terms, a complete nerd-wreck.
But in cyberspace, he is a ladies’ man.
Masked by an upbeat tempo and Paisley’s “gone-fishin” twang, someone who doesn’t understand English might take the song for a goofy, roll-down-the-windows-and-sing-it song.
However, the following lyrics prove it’s more of a sit-in-your-basement-turn-off-the-lights-and-cry song:
“In real life the only time I’ve ever even been to L.A./Is when I got the chance with the marching band/To play tuba in the Rose Parade.”
Take a minute to dry your eyes.
This man, marked by being “5-foot-3 and overweight/A sci-fi fanatic/A mild asthmatic,” has only a brief respite from the everyday torture of being himself when he gets off work at the Pizza Pit, goes back to his mother’s house and fires up his computer.
Imagining a life in which the only highlight is escaping that life is too painful for words.
In a recent episode of “The Office,” the NBC sitcom that has decidedly taken a turn for the worse since Jim and Pam broke the sexual tension by making their relationship public, Dwight uses a computer game called “Second Life” to avoid facing the gut-wrenching solitude that follows any break-up.
Watching Dwight maneuver his “Second Life” character around cyberspace was like watching watching a three-legged puppy try to catch up to other four-legged friends — you just wish they could be “normal,” just to ease the pain.
Likewise, our protagonist from “Online” has that certain “just hearing about you makes me want to eat chocolate never leave the couch” quality.
That’s not to say all Internet personalities are disturbing — social networking through MySpace, Facebook and other sites can be completely innocent when the user’s profile at least somewhat reflects the user themselves.
But when the dude claims online that “Even on a slow day/I could have a three way/Chat with two women at one time” when in reality “It’s hard to get a date/Let alone a real girlfriend,” it’s time to turn off the Mac, lay off the Big Macs and learn how to “mack” on 3-D women.
Or he can continue to live a lie in his mother’s basement.
And that’s just plain sad.
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