04.07.2008
Stick that rebate in your pie hole
I wish I had a nickel for every question like this: Scott, as a non-certified financial planner, can you tell me whether I should use my upcoming tax rebate to pay down enormous, crippling credit card debt or should I put it toward a Panasonic 65-inch flat-panel HDTV so I can sit on the couch, turn off my brain and forget all about my enormous, crippling credit card debt?
And if I had a nickel for every question like that, I would buy enough gas to drive to the home of the person who bought the Panasonic 65-inch flat-panel HDTV and watch the NCAA tournament finals.
But this isn’t about me. It’s about you and your tax rebate, or what’s commonly known in Washington as the This Ought To Shut Them Up For A While Economic Stimulus Plan.
First, we’ll start with a few basics. Over the next several months, many Americans will receive rebate checks from the IRS. These checks will range from $300 to $600 per person or several billion dollars per oil company (technically, the latter is called a “tax break” instead of a “rebate” and doesn’t arrive by check but is delivered through handshakes and back slaps on the golf course).
Where is all this money coming from? Lawmakers forged a bipartisan agreement to cut back on escort services and high-priced call girls, thereby freeing up billions of dollars to return to average Americans so we can frivolously buy a tank of gas at $3.20 per gallon and drive to the store to pay for groceries that have jumped 5 percent in price over the last 12 months, the highest rate of food inflation in the last 20 years.
Thank you, sir, may I have another?
The non-certified financial planners here at Scott’s Non-Certified Financial Planning and Taxidermy Services (formerly known as Scott’s Body Wax and Pet-Grooming Emporium), conveniently located a mile and a half from the intersection where Leroy’s Sunoco used to be before his wife left and he drank a bunch of rubbing alcohol and burned the whole thing down, have prepared this short Q&A to help you make the best financial decision when it comes to your tax rebate.
Question: Scott, are you really the best person to give financial advice? I have it on good authority that you handle none of the finances in your own home, that your wife keeps a tight grip on the checkbook for fear that you will plunge the family into economic ruin.
Answer: Hey, that’s not ... That’s none of your business. I’m here to offer my expertise in the field of financialism.
Q: Financialism isn’t really a word, is it?
A: Yes, it is. I just Googled it and there were 457 listings, many of which are in English.
Q: Can you confirm or deny that your rebate check will go toward attorney fees regarding settlements in matters related to a botched bikini wax and an exploding chihuahua at your previous business, the aforementioned Scott’s Body Wax and Pet Grooming Emporium?
A: Denied! Denied! I made all that up. I can’t wax people or groom pets. I just wanted to sound important, like I had a skill other than putting words together that sometimes make sense.
Q: And you can’t “financial plan” either, can you?
A: Maybe.
Q: Really?
A: OK, no, I have no clue what I’m doing.
Q: And what will you do with your own rebate check?
A: Pay down enormous, crippling credit card debt.
Q: Really?
A: Or maybe buy a Panasonic 65-inch flat-panel HDTV.
Q: Can I come over and watch the NCAA tournament finals?
A: Wow, I wish I had a nickel for every question like that.