12.06.2007
A weirdo’s wish list
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Dear Santa,
OK, last year came and went without you bringing us certain items from our wish lists (Salma Hayek in a sexy elf suit, for instance). But this year, we’re hoping you can do a little better. And so we’ve come up with a list, checked it twice, decided that you’re too busy to figure out if we’re naughty or nice, yadda yadda yadda.
Granted, some of these are kinda large to fit into your sleigh, but you can make room by cracking down on some other kids.
And so, here are some contenders for spreading Christmas joy this year…
The TwoDaLoo
When the J. Geils Band recorded “Love Stinks” in 1980, we’re pretty sure that the band, known as The Bad Boys From Beantown, did not have the TwoDaLoo in mind. The TwoDaLoo is a side-by-side, two-person “supertoilet,” essentially a porcelain loveseat for the loo, marketed as “a toilet that will save rocky marriages and the planet all in one flush.”
Flush with excitement? Wait, there’s more! The upgraded mode, with a modest privacy wall, also comes equipped with a seven-inch LCD television and an iPod docking station! Why, if they added a mini-fridge, you and your partner would never have to get up. The sales premise is that such a device encourages the ultimate intimacy in a romantic relationship. As for the, um, green benefits - flushing simultaneously saves 2.6 gallons of water. Don’t just buy it for love, buy it for the world.
According to WiseRep.com, a Web site that connects wholesalers with retailers, the TwoDaLoo will soon be available for $1,400 at Lowes and Home Depot. For more information, go to http://www.wiserep.com/productDetails.php?id=5769
And hey, Saturday Night Live featured this way back in 1991. Go to YouTube and type in “Love Toilet” if you don’t believe us.
The Star Trek Casket
Ah, death, the Undiscovered Country, from whose bourn no traveler returns. Except Spock, who returned in Star Trek III after taking a snootful of radiation in Star Trek II. Don’t expect to pull the same trick with this, a functioning casket designed to look like the one that carried Spock to the great beyond at the end of Star Trek II. It’s one of the quirky caskets being designed by Eternal Image, a company that, as they put it, celebrates “the passions of life.” (Others include Major League Baseball, those “adorable” Precious Moments angels, and the Vatican Library.)
So for Trekkies, there’s a casket or an urn. Don’t plan to use these right away, though; they’re still in the works, and should be available in 2008 (not that you want to use them then, either). The price? Again, it’s a wait and see. But won’t it be worth any price to see the looks on family’s faces when you’re laying there in your Star Trek uniform? Not that you’ll be able to see them, of course. By the way, we recommend paying extra to have a chubby Scottish guy play bagpipes.
For more information, go to http://www.eternalimage.net
The Macallan 55 Years Old In Lalique
There is turpentine-throw-up-on-your-shoes scotch. There is good scotch. Then there is the great, aged single-malt scotch that we can’t afford, the best of which is The Macallan. You know it’s really, really good because, it’s not “Macallan.” It’s “The Macallan.”
Any serious Scotch drinker will want to tap into his home-equity line for this year’s holiday treat - The Macallan 55-year-old, single-malt cask-strength scotch (for scotch drinkers, that’s like reading pornography) corked in a delicate, curvaceous specially designed Lalique crystal decanter. (Lalique crystal, among the finest in the world, is French, which means it’s expensive without the scotch.)
Only 100 bottles will be available in the United States. The cost of this rarity is - grab a chair - $12,000. It is the tippler’s equivalent of fine antique furniture. Look at it, but don’t touch. Well, maybe once. Or twice, with a friend (hint, hint). For more information, contact the distillery at
Robot B-9
Want to relive your favorite moments from Lost in Space? For a mere $24,500 (plus shipping), you can get a gen-u-ine, life-sized reproduction of Robot B-9, commonly known simply as “Robot” (or as the “Tin-Plated Tattletale,” “Nattering Ninny” or any of dozens of other insults hurled by Dr. Smith). The 61/2-foot-tall remote-controlled robot is programmed with 511 pre-recorded phrases spoken by Dick Tufield, the actor who provided Robot’s voice in the 1960s TV series. No word if one of the remote control buttons lets it flail its arms while warning of danger. And as far as we know, it doesn’t come with an actor hidden in the torso, the way the one in the TV series did. Check it out at Hammacher.com
VooDoo Baby
Give the gift of VD this year. Wait, hear us out. The folks at VDBaby.com have come up with a playful line of 3-inch tall keychain voodoo dolls whose bodies are made with single strings of cotton or linen threads, wound around each other tightly, then decorated and given a specific purpose. Take, for instance, our pal Albert (as in Einstein), who they say “will increase your brain power.” We am needs that. The are others, including the wish-granting Jeannie; Witch, who uses her power “to keep stupid people at bay”; and Casanova, who helps you keep from being a “blundering buffoon in the face of someone who has caught your fancy.”
There are dozens of characters to choose from. Voodoo powers not guaranteed to work. In fact, we pretty much guarantee they won’t work, but they sure are cute.
The Archie McPhee Catalog
How many wonders can one cavern hold? One day, we hope to visit the Archie McPhee store - a geek chic mecca in Seattle. But until travel budgets allow, we’ll have to settle for the catalog, available in print form or online at http://www.mcphee.com, with more kitsch than a Plastic Ray Gun Collector’s Convention.
Need a yodeling pickle? Sure, who doesn’t? It’s right here on page 6 of the catalog, for a mere $12.95. Or how about a plastic gun that shoots flying monkeys, so you can pretend you’re the Wicked Witch of the West? It’s $4.95, with booster packs available when you run low on monkeys. Want to take the guess work out of lunch? The “What’s For Lunch?” Decision Spinner, also $4.95, will tell you whether to go for pizza, Mexican, BBQ, the vending machine, sushi, or coffee and cigarettes. Pirates, unicorns, comical teeth and mustaches, bacon-flavored mints ... this company has it all.
The Beast Camo Recliner
This oversized recliner (49 inches by 46 inches by 47.5 inches) is enough to make the most Alpha of males go gorilla - or, is that guerilla, given that this baby comes in one of seven stylish types of camouflage. This is a man’s chair for sure, too big for the wife to lug out to the curb. And it’s 100 percent waterproof, so you throw it in the back of the pickup during hunting season, slap this camo-baby in the back of the woods, and lounge while waiting to slaughter whatever it is you have a license to slaughter (this action is not dealer recommended but it only seems logical). It’s perfect for any cabin or hunting lodge, which is good, because The Wife is NOT going to let it take up the entire living room, if you even manage to get it in the house - and face it, it’s going be tough to sneak in this Beast.
It comes in two models - one with, and one without, heat and massage, and it’s easily big enough to bunk down in, which you’ll probably have to do. So go with the heat and massage model ($799.95). You are gonna need it. The Beast is exclusive to Bass Pro Shops. For more information, visit http://www.basspro.com
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