03.03.2008
Flush with excitement over best restroom awards
Nominations for the seventh annual America’s Best Restroom Award are being taken now through April 7, with an overall winner announced in August, if you can hold it that long.
According to a company news release, the Cincinnati-based Cintas Corporation “provides entrance mats, restroom service supplies, promotional products, first aid and safety products, fire protection services and document management services for approximately 800,000 businesses” (and that completes my Cintas spokesperson audition). Most importantly, it sponsors the Best Restroom contest, considered by many to be the Academy Awards for places where people relieve themselves.
“The important message here is restroom hygiene matters - for good health and good business,” said Kirk Kirssin, Cintas director of marketing.
Coincidentally, that’s the same message I saw carved into a stall door in Spartanburg, S.C., right below another that invited me to perform an act that is physically impossible.
The contest is open to any public restroom, from the pristine porcelain pit stop of a five-star restaurant to the privy out back of Bill’s Fill ‘er Up, where, once you unlock the dented metal door with a key attached to a log chain, you enter a cramped, aromatic room in which it appears a hog was butchered in 1975 and no one bothered to clean up the mess. Bill really isn’t counting on taking home the trophy.
Cintas is currently accepting nominations at http://www.bestrestroom.com and will announce 10 finalists in May. The Internet public can then narrow the field to five, which will be - no kidding - inducted into America’s Best Restroom Hall of Fame, pending, of course, any forthcoming allegations of steroid abuse.
I enjoy a clean restroom as much as anyone. But all this seems like a big to-do (no pun intended) when, personally, all I want is to go in, get out and resume my life. As long as I’m not accosted by a senator with a wide stance, I’m usually satisfied with most accommodations.
Now, though, with competition heating up and more and more restrooms vying to be among the lucky loo Hall-of-Famers, I’m afraid the whole public restroom experience will become more elaborate, more hands-on, if you will.
How long will it be before I hit an interstate rest stop after a Big Gulp and encounter this?
“Greetings, sir, I’m Malcolm and I’ll be your restroom attendant this evening. Do you have reservations?”
“I didn’t until I saw you standing there. Now I don’t know if stopping was such a good idea.”
“That’s perfectly fine, sir. Reservations aren’t needed, for it appears we have ample seating available. Our spacious stalls are equipped with high-speed Internet access and wide-screen plasma TVs broadcasting a variety of programming, educational as well as entertaining, in crystal-clear high definition.”
“I drank a Big Gulp, I’m heading to Spartanburg, and all I really ...”
“Sir, here at the Exit 46 rest area, we offer the finest in customer care. If there’s anything I can do to make your stay more enjoyable, please let me know.”
“How about going out in the lobby and standing around with the maps for about five minutes.”
“And once your experience is complete, we here at the Exit 46 rest area offer an impressive array of exotic soaps for your hygienic needs, such as this exquisite magnolia and lavender blend.”
“I like that liquid pink stuff. Smells real strong, kind of burns the skin and puddles up on the floor when people mash the dispenser too many times.”
“Perhaps the aloe, green tea and hemp seed blend would satisfy your needs?”
“Fresh out of the pink stuff, huh?”
“Fresh out, I’m afraid.”
“Tell you what, Malcolm, I believe I can hold it until I hit that Hardee’s at the junction of 428 by the big fireworks outlet. But when I get home, I’m voting for you in the America’s Best Restroom contest. Yep, that’s going right at the top of my to-do list.”