Get those mini people away from me
For fun — and, admittedly, for much-needed extra money each month — I teach soccer clinics at my gym for very-young-year-olds.
That means anywhere from 18 months to about 4 years old. I find as children age, they are less cute with bigger egos.
Not having the pleasure (agony? terror? massive workload?) of being a parent myself, I lack the ability to find all children lovable.
That’s part of why I teach only the really young, really cute ones.
Another reason is that when a 20-month-old gets mad and throws something, it’s funny; when a 6-year-old does it, it hurts.
That got me thinking — wouldn’t the world be a better (and obviously more chaotic) place if we could all express ourselves the way 2-year-olds do?
The following is a list of things my soccer pupils have taught me that I think I could find useful in the real world:
Loose legs: The phenomenon in which a child is no longer willing to play soccer, clean up, walk, do anything but pout, etc., and their legs are suddenly useless. Parents then have to drag said child, legs dangling beneath them, from place to place.
Next time the boyfriend says he wants us to go watch eight hours of football at some smoky bar, I think I might come down with loose legs.
Selective hearing: Children have a tendency, I’ve noticed, to hear the things they like and ignore the rest. Next time I hear, “Kate, please edit the rest of the evening copy and then you can go home,” I’m just going to pack up and go home.
No filter: When’s the last time you were at a social function and were able to talk about your “doo-doo” freely? Or perhaps tell a bothersome peer that they look exceptionally “ugly” that day?
Well-intentioned but completely inappropriate displays of affection: One admiring 3-year-old interrupted our group circle one day in order to yell to his grandma as he held my hand, “Nana, this is the girl I’m going to marry.” He tried to kiss me during a later session. Online dating programs, couples’ therapy and lie detector tests could be eradicated if everyone were so open with their emotions. (Note: I rejected the young suitor, obviously, but offered a rubber stamp displaying a cartoon frog as condolences. He accepted with delight.)
No sense of social boundaries: Remind me — when is it OK to have pile-ons and when is it wrong? Treating people as jungle gyms is something we lose as we age and something I propose we bring back, in a strictly non-sexual manner.
Shrieking to express approval: Eardrum-piercing notes are usually a sign of some sort of enjoyment — on the swingset, on a rollercoaster, etc. How about shrieking — opening my mouth and letting my lungs fly — over the things I get enjoyment from: really good chicken salad, pedicures, when someone uses the correct form of “lay” or “lie”?
And finally, my favorite:
Sneaky retaliation: Oh, to be able to pick my nose and wipe it on some unsuspecting ne’er-do-well after they piss me off.
