02.21.2008
I can’t hear - your bumper sticker’s too loud
When it comes to bumper stickers, it’s generally appropriate to stick to the words of the great comedian Dimitri Martin:
“A lot of people don’t like bumper stickers. I don’t mind bumper stickers. To me, a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It’s like a little sign that says, ‘Hey, let’s never hang out.’ ”
Perhaps that’s harsh, but it just seems odd to express your agenda on a mode of transportation.
Do you think in the 1800s, people branded horses with “Down with slavery”? Do you think folks tricked out their covered wagons with popular sayings of the time, like, “Stop scalping, start loving”?
So what is it about the advent of the Model T or the Studebaker that prompted people to plaster their mantras on what was and still proves to be one of the most expensive purchase of one’s lifetime?
Many may not call placing a bumper sticker defacing property — though some stickers are downright trashy, like, “Everybody sucks but me” or “Yes, I’m a bitch, just not yours.”
(These are actual car patches researched via the Internet and boredom during traffic jams.)
Perhaps something a little less abrasive is acceptable, like the “coexist” bumper sticker in which each letter takes on the shape of a religous symbol.
At least stickers like those don’t compel people to leave their cars on the side of the road to punch the driver in front of them.
You just have to wonder about someone who is so self-righteous that they feel their political, ethical and moral beliefs should not only be shared but in some cases shouted from the rear end of a polluting, gas-guzzling medium.
And if it’s not their beliefs, it’s their bragging rights:
“My kid is a straight-A student” or “I ran 26.2.”
It’s like, “Thanks for reminding me my kid’s an idiot and I’ve got a bum knee.” No one reads those things and thinks, “Good for you.” No one is that nice — especially no one who has to look at the dumb sticker for 30 miles on Interstate 77.
Vanity plates are much the same, though perhaps even more embarassing.
Can you imagine getting into a wreck and exchanging information?
“Yeah, insurance, Allstate; make, Saturn; plate number ‘Bandnerd.’ ”