01.14.2008
It’s a man-eat-dog world
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Dog has classically been described as man’s best friend.
This is not a good thing, because if you think about it, the person most likely to sleep with your girlfriend, crash at your house for months without paying rent, cheat you on a business deal, or cause you other life problems is likely to be your best friend.
Dog, unfortunately, has fallen victim to the best friend curse. You see, dogs, much like children, are cute when they’re small, but as they grow older and begin to do things like break expensive electronics equipment, bark all night, and eliminate in inconvenient places, the charm wears thin. Dogs also tend to quickly produce more dogs, an unfortunate habit that children appear to be picking up, too.
Humans are only allowed to abandon their children for several hours at a time at holding pens known as schools or daycare centers. They have more permanent options when it comes to dogs, however. By leaving a gate conveniently open, or taking Fido on a one-way country getaway, the dog owner can permanently get rid of his or her problematic best friend.
This causes problems for small cities and towns because the burden of housing and dealing with stray animals falls on local government. Most residents of small cities and towns are solid conservatives, which generally means that they’re rugged individualists who hate taxes and are against the heavy hand of big government intruding into their lives except to provide them, and only them, with roads, education opportunities, free cable, safe communities, economic development, daily garbage pickup, a nice monthly check for their elderly mother and streets free of stray dogs.
The costs and difficulties associated with dealing with stray dogs are prompting local governments to take action and enact new ordinances and laws. This is bad because things like this tend to arouse people and get them active. The whole purpose of our system of government is to keep people as uninvolved and unaware as possible. Knowing and doing too much will only upset them. Besides, no government has passed a decent law since Salem, Mass. approved an anti-witchfinding law in 1703. Nobody’s found a witch up there since then. Can the same be said about various laws concerning speeding, drugs and public nudity?
I say that private enterprise can solve the stray dog problem better than government by taking these abandoned animals and turning them into a food source.
Dog’s status as man’s best friend gives us an advantage if we decide to start making canine kabobs, because they’ll never see us coming. Cows have been a food source for humans for millennia, and although they are stupid animals, eventually they’re going to catch on and start fighting back. A reservoir of trust exists between man and dog that we can exploit for centuries to come in order to make them our food.
Of course, we live in a culture that’s been conditioned to look with disgust at the prospect of eating dogs. The human mind is adaptable, however and if people can be led to believe that Hot Pockets are edible, they can be convinced of anything.
It’s a known culinary fact that anything, anything, can be made to taste good by frying it. In 1994, a plane carrying three top fashion models, a crate of designer clothes and a Fry Daddy crashed in the Andes mountains. When rescuers found the models two months later, each was at the healthiest weight of her life, having put on pounds by consuming the various jeans and shirts they cooked with the Fry Daddy. How simple would it be to make a delicious fried dog snack? Just think, at the next peanut festival, the Corn Dog man could actually sell real corn dogs.
Greenie-weenies who don’t have quite the level of culinary masochism to become vegetarians or vegans will be glad to hear that dog meat is practically organic. All of the Science Diet food dog owners feed their canines have probably made dogs the most healthy food animal out there. There’s no chance of getting mad cow disease from a dog, probably the worst effect you’ll ever get from consuming a dog is the occasional watering at the mouth when a bell rings.
Some may argue that eating dogs is barbaric and cruel. But if you were a dog, what would you find worse, being killed quickly and eaten or being neutered, dressed in Auburn or Alabama sweatshirts and forced to perform demeaning tricks for food? I know what I would pick.
Sick the dogs on .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address).