03.09.2008
Mr. No-No’s guide to Easter safety
I never knew Easter could be so dangerous. But Mr. No-No did.
As a small-town newspaper editor with a working e-mail account (I got it after our telegraph machine was recalled), I receive all kinds of news releases from safety advocates looking out for our best interests.
I try to pass these warnings on to readers, even though it’s against my own self-interest since bizarre accidents make good newspaper stories ("My wife wanted her tongue pierced, so I got my 24-volt cordless drill out of the truck ...").
I was busy this week deleting angry missives from Ron Paul supporters and pitches for cheap Rolex watches when I hit upon an e-mail with the subject line “Easter Egg Safety 08.” Inside were “Mr. No-No’s Annual Easter Safety Tips.”
Personally, I’ve considered Easter among the safest of our major holidays, as compared to New Years (drinking), Independence Day (drinking and fireworks), Thanksgiving (drinking and backyard football) and Christmas (drinking and unresolved family conflicts which suddenly come to the forefront and end with Uncle Willard spread-eagle on the hood of a patrol car while the youth choir that came to the door to sing “Silent Night” runs screaming down the street).
But Mr. No-No, who, if I’m not mistaken, is the father of most of the women I ever dated, opened my eyes to the dangers of Easter.
“Every year millions of children are on a quest to find their brilliantly decorated Easter eggs, candy and whatnots,” said Mr. No-No, billed in the news release as America’s Proactive Child Safety Advocate and on the Web site as “someone you don’t want to touch and need to stay away from.”
As parents, Mr. No-No continues, “We can’t help but give our children a little better challenge each year, sometimes not thinking of the ‘safety factor.’”
Guilty as charged, Mr. No-No. Last year, my Flaming Whatnot Extreme Easter Challenge nearly ended in tragedy.
So, as a public service, here are some of Mr. No-No’s actual Easter safety tips, followed by a few of what I consider some typical scenarios that might make you stop and say no, no:
-- Keep eggs at or below eye level of younger children.
“You’re getting warmer, Billy. Warmer. No. Colder. Colder. Warmer. Yes, up the ladder. All the way up. Don’t be scared. Uncle Willard hid a whatnot up there when he was hammering Maw-Maw’s shingles back on. And get his cigarettes while you’re up there.”
-- Do not hide eggs near an electrical outlet or plugs.
“No, dear, don’t put it by the plasma TV. That could be dangerous when the children are scurrying about. Give me that one and I’ll sneak it over to the substation across the street.”
-- Do not hide eggs in any animal’s home, food bowl or play area.
“Thanks for inviting all of us from the Kid’s Club over to your house for Easter, Mr. Vick, but I’m kind of scared to go inside the fenced area.”
-- Keep track of the eggs you hide.
“OK, there’s the one from the gun cabinet, the one I put near the band saw, the one I placed beside my collection of exotic knives and throwing stars, the one I hid in the medicine chest next to Maw-Maw’s nerve pills, the one I put in the shed with Uncle Willard’s rusty, old bear trap ...”
-- Do not put eggs where pesticides or poisons have been dispersed.
“As president and CEO of the Acme Industrial Chemical Corp., I would like to thank the mayor, the governor, Sen. Simpkins and all those who helped us acquire the funds to reduce hazardous waste to just under the limit allowed by law and welcome all of you to the first annual Acme Industrial Chemical Corp. Flaming Whatnot Extreme Easter Challenge. Go nuts, kids!”
Mr. No-No and I hope you have a safe and happy Easter. If that is possible.