02.28.2008
Musings and preoccupations
Musings and general observations
Was anyone attractive during the 1980s? Anyone?
When people wear pants that are too short, are they aware that it’s annoying just to look at them?
Did God have a purpose besides making people feel extremely awkward when he made Ben Stiller?
Why isn’t the Super Bowl called the National Championship and college’s national championship game called the Super Bowl, seeing as how there are countless bowl games in college football?
How could anyone with a pulse watch the Pedigree ads with the dogs that need a home and not cry?
If reincarnation proves to be more than just a theory, and I could pick what Ben Stiller would come back as, would it be a fat man’s thong underwear or a fly on the wall in Donald Trump’s bedroom?
Will popped collars and those who sport them ever be banished to D-bag Island where they belong?
Ben Stiller probably pops his collar.
Life lessons
Don’t play Hangman with someone who is stupid. It is frustrating.
Small talk is awful and should be avoided at all costs. The same goes for the movie “Garden State,” Jell-O with the fruit and marshmallows inside, most talk radio and e-mails with the subject line, “Get BIGGER and BETTER now” et al.
The only worthwhile Ben Stiller movie is “Along Came Polly,” and that’s just because Jennifer Aniston is in the movie, and she is perfect. Go Team Aniston. Boo Team Stiller.
Playing scratch-off lottery is the quickest way to use a 5-cent piece to unveil the fact that you were duped into buying false hope for $2.
If fog sets in while you’re hiking through the Andes Mountains and you get lost and stumble upon a herd of alpaca and one approaches you, be still. Be very still, even as the llama-like beast proceeds to make out with your face.
Any show on Animal Planet is worth watching twice. We could all stand to learn from our four-footed friends and water-bound wonders.
The act of cloning isn’t so much playing God as it is playing scientist; much the same way, the act of adultery isn’t so much playing “An Affair to Remember” as it is playing “Stupid Ugly Tramp.”
Upon making a bet that entails drinking an entire jar of olive juice, be prepared to drink the jar of olive juice and subsequently projectile vomit said olive juice.
Speaking of projectile vomit, Ben Stiller movies may induce nausea.
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