01.20.2008
Not clowing around - kids hate ‘em
Children, at least sick ones in England, hate clowns.
This is not my assumption. I simply report the news, then distort it for the amusement of others. Please, I do not want to receive this e-mail from the International Society of Clowns And To A Lesser Degree Mimes:
“Dear Mr. Hollifield
“We at the ISOCATLDM were shocked and appalled to read a column in which you, a journalist of little consequence, stated sick English children hate clowns. We clowns have a long and proud history of entertaining not only sick English children but the population at large, from the smallest of kids’ birthday parties to the largest gatherings under the big tops. Perhaps you are unaware that the art of clowning dates back centuries and has been instrumental in pointing out grave injustices and skewering social taboos. Were you aware that Hard Tack Harry fought bravely at the Battle of Gettysburg? Did you know that Blippo was a trusted advisor to President Franklin D. Roosevelt during World War II? (That, of course, would be the original Blippo, not Blippo II, who was killed in a corn-dog trailer explosion at the 1956 Carpwell County Fair). Your depiction of clowns is both disappointing and infuriating. Prepare to hear from our lawyer, Bongo McSlanderPants, Esq.”
And I sure don’t want to be standing in the driveway when a small car pulls up, 15 clowns get out, douse me with confetti, then beat me to death with the bucket in a drive-by clowning.
I’m not saying children hate clowns; BBC News is saying it. So march right over there in your big shoes and give them a clown beat-down, not me.
The BBC reported on a University of Sheffield study of 250 children ages 4 to 16. It found nearly all disliked clowns. The BBC referenced an article in the latest Nursing Standard magazine about research into making children’s wards in hospitals more comfortable. Apparently, putting up pictures of clowns is akin to poking them with sharp sticks.
“We found that clowns are universally disliked by children,” Researcher Dr. Penny Curtis said in the article. “Some found them quite frightening and unknowable.”
Patricia Doorbar, a child psychologist in North Wales, also put it bluntly: “Very few children like clowns.”
So, there’s little Nigel in an English hospital, his arm accidentally broken in a random act of soccer hooliganism.
“Are we resting comfortably today, Nigel?”
“Oh, yes, Nurse Churchill, I’m ever so comfortable.”
“Did you enjoy the fish and chips, Nigel?”
“Oh, yes, ever so much.”
“Since you’ve been a wonderful little chap, Nigel, we have a treat for you today. There are several special visitors here. But, according to hospital policy and our program of socialized medicine, you’re only allowed one. Are you ready to choose?”
“Oh, yes, ever so much.”
“There’s a Siberian tiger that escaped from the London Zoo and bit off the arm of a member of the House of Commons before seeking refuge in our lobby.”
“Oh, I would ever so much like to meet a vicious Siberian tiger.”
“Wait, wait. There’s also a man who claims to be the reincarnation of Jack the Ripper, the late 19th century serial killer who earned his horrific reputation gruesomely dispatching prostitutes.”
“Saucy Jack, you say? I don’t suppose there would be any harm in that.”
“And finally, there’s Clippy The Clown, known for his good works all over the greater London area.”
“Clown? CLOWN? NO! AGGHH! AGGHH!”
“Paging Doctor Who! We’ve got a Code Red Clown Alert in Room 408. Repeat, a Code Red Clown Alert in 408.”
Again, members of the International Society of Clowns And To A Lesser Degree Mimes, don’t blame me. BBC News deserves the clown beat-down. I just report the news then distort it for the amusement of others.