10.25.2007
The dog: man’s best friend or envy of every man?
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Who hasn’t snuggled up to Fido or Baxter after a hard day and said, “Man, some days I wish I were you. Then all I’d have to do is lie around, eat, maybe chase a squirrel. You have it so easy, Fido (or Baxter).”
The life of a dog is seemingly a trot down Easy Street, punctuated by leg-lifting on fire hydrants.
Reason No. 1 the life of a dog is better than the life of man: social interaction.
Humans have painful small talk.
“So, how about this drought we’re having? Things are really ... dry.”
“Yeah, talk about your ... brown lawns.”
Ouch.
Dogs’ small talk is nonexistent. They just nose around each others’ rear ends and they know everything they need to know. There’s no meaningless “How do you dos” or awkward pauses; it’s a sniff and a snort and they’re on their way.
Of course, this could be considered excruciating given the right (or, more appropriately, horribly foul) behind.
Reason No. 2 the life of a dog is easier than the life of man: ample lie-around time.
Dogs fall asleep the second those puppy lids fall. They choose a spot, turn in a circle and they’re out.
Humans regularly take a while to snooze. Visions of missed deadlines and missed opportunities are haunting. We stay up late worrying about whether or not we remembered to close the garage door, or we stress at the thought that Nickelodeon may never, EVER bring back “Salute Your Shorts” - just a few re-runs a week would provide countless hours of sleep worldwide.
Reason No. 3 the life of a dog is better than the life of man: attractiveness.
Out of say, 100 dogs, at least 85 of them are going to look good, about 70 of those are going to be turn-your-head-cute, and probably at least 60 of those are going to stop traffic because they are so adorable that you’d rather bend someone’s fender than have to not look at such a gorgeous puppy.
Tip that scale to the human side, and it’s hard to think that out of 100 people, 60 of them would cause car accidents. Life isn’t what you see on TV, folks - people in real life aren’t hot.
Fret not, homo sapiens, because extensive research has shown that dogs do, in fact, have problems.
They stress. There are even anxiety horror stories.
There’s a bichon (think small, white, fluffy canine) that lives up North.
Name: Max.
Weight: Maybe 10 pounds. No one’s really sure what bichons weigh because no one has ever actually seen one’s body - that’s how fluffy they are. Legend holds that bichons have the freakish ability to morph into cotton balls at will.
So Max, the sweet, small feather duster, is afraid of haircuts.
During a routine trim, he became increasingly upset. As the groomer made his way to Max’s tail, that little powder-puff whined louder and louder until POP! - Max burst a blood vessel in his eyeball. Gruesome.
Humans might worry about childhood TV favorites never making it to syndication, but it’s doubtful they burst blood vessels over it.
Also, dogs have no real variety in their diets.
People can gorge themselves for three months without ever having the same thing twice.
But for dogs?
Day 1: Dog food and water.
Day 2: Dog food and water.
Day 3: Dog food and water and an artificially flavored concoction in the shape of breakfast meat and cleverly called a “Beggin’ Strip.”
Day 4: Dog food and water.
That’s why dogs like treats so much - they aren’t so much tasty as they are a break in the monotony.
That’s a big part of why dogs chew up anything they can get their paws on.
“I’ll show her ... I’ve had nothing but Kibbles ’n Bits for weeks on end while she eats meatballs and steak and and worries that they’ll never put that annoying show on TV again. That’s it, I’m eating her headband and her gym socks. And if I hear her sing that show’s theme song again, I’m going for her leather purse.”
So next time you tell Fido (or Baxter, or Max) that he’s so lucky to just be a dog, think twice - that could be you gnawing on your mom’s favorite pillow, worried that the next haircut is just around the corner.